control

i like control, i crave it most of the time because it makes me comfortable to be the ones with her hands on the reigns. however the control also makes me fucking crazy. once established, it becomes this addiction i have to feed, i have to have it, i have to or i'll die. okay so i won't die, but i'll make myself miserable.

i've been trying to work through this in the last week and let me tell you it is not easy. everyday, almost every thing i do i have to think about whether this is the course of action i want to take. of course its easy to be lazy and not think about it before i do something, speak something, etc.. but i am conscious of trying to lessen the control i feel i have to exert over some areas of my life. however, its hard when i feel like i can only let go so much because whatever control i drop, no one else is going to pick up the reigns. meaning, i may not want to be a clean freak, but if i don't clean no one else is going to.

its just been an interesting time thinking about different things and trying to find a new way out of the old. its a work in progress for sure.

some areas are better than others. the daily battles over stupid things with the kid have lessened and we are seeing a new way of doing things. the morning confrontation is all but gone and that's been a blessing to my mood each day.

i need to keep track of my thoughts a bit better, i need to journal more because i find myself with too much to think about at night and its hard to sleep. i find myself needing to remember why i'm trying to change things, because on the tough days, hard moments, slipping back into what is easy is dangerous.

i'll leave you with this thought for the day...

"When just starting out on a new journey it's only natural to feel vulnerable. After all, it may seem that you have much to lose. But may I remind you that never again, at any other point in the same journey, will you have so much to gain." -- Mike Dooley