a gift for yourself

I'm trying to get back into the groove, so i'm going back to some posts i started (to give myself ideas)... so hopefully this one is a coherent thought! i'm home alone with the husband tonight as the kidlet is at my parents house.. though she would be in bed at this time, for some reason i feel like running around the house naked just cause i can (not that i would, now that would be scary!)....

i read somewhere that during this time of year (and really all year long in my book!) you should give yourself a gift. it doesn't have to be expensive jewelry or a weekend vacation - but it could be. i've been trying to think this morning what gift i would give myself and to be honest, it isn't easy. just last night my husband asked me what i wanted for christmas and i really didn't have an idea other than a small camera i could take with me everywhere - and that's just something i've wanted for awhile because our canon weighs a ton and isn't easy portable for everyday useage! but i couldn't think of anything else.

so trying to force myself this morning to think of something hasn't been easy (nothing has been easy this morning with all the racket coming from our office suite!!). i don't do for myself a whole lot. i can do everything and anything for others, but not myself.

if i really wanted to give myself something though, it may to give myself a break. to stop being so damn hard on myself for not being the perfect wife, mother, worker, friend, daughter, sister. i give myself all of these high expectations and i generally let myself (and others) down pretty often. its not something i'm proud of by any stretch, i'm ashamed most of the time and that tends to make it all that much worse.

giving myself a break - realizing i'm not perfect, that all of those i think i let down aren't perfect either. we all have these busy lives filled to the brim - our society pushing us all to the brink of insanity - but we are all capable of falling apart and letting someone down. its okay if it happens sometimes, its okay if we forget to call a friend, our mom once in awhile (well not the latter!) but its not okay to just beat ourselves up over it constantly because that doesn't do anything but guilt ourselves into more frustration and let downs.

this holiday i did give myself a break - i didn't try to make anyone happy. i didn't get someone a gift just becaue they got me one. we tried cutting back this year and for the most part, i only got for friends kids and though normally i would have dropped more cash getting for the adults, i had to stick to my guns and just get for the kids. i'm appreciative of all my friends and those that gave me a gift but by no means did they have to. i am not the best gift recipient!

the other thing i did for myself this holiday in not trying to make everyone happy was to simply say, "this is when we can be here" and let the holidays unfold. they were amazing. i had the best time at my parents house - christmas eve to me is better than christmas day - i just wished we were able to spend the night or something (though we live 10 minutes away). if we stayed the night, we could have more fun! i only got to do one round of rockband - i sang on one, played bass on another. i just love christmas eve.

as 2009 is just around the corner, i'm going to be doing more for me and saying no more to some things. i can't help everyone, i can't do everything, when i try to i end up so stressed out and sick that it doesn't seem to do any good. i need to take care of me and mine first, if i can help out in other ways then i will, but i'm not a "yes man" anymore. i just can't be. its taken a LONG time to finally come to that realization.

another thing i will gift myself this year - having fun. i don't have enough of it. even right now, listening to some old rap music from my college days, remembering the good old days, i realize that i need to have more fun. laugh more. i can doooo it!!

okay so that is pretty rambly and hopefully it makes sense - then again i'm really the only one that needs to understand it because this is more of a reminder for me than for anyone else!

gifting, decoration loving - heathen

this is the time of year when most of the town explodes with insanity. the streets are busy, people are annoyed, yelling. the stores are crowded, hot, and you can't find anything you're looking for and you'll be damned if you have to get out of the way for another person.

tis the season, aye?

this year i've been in the festive spirit since thanksgiving - our house looks a bit overdone, but i really don't care. i love tree garland, ornaments, red bows, and twinkly lights. there is part of me that wishes more people would see all the stuff i've done, but let's be honest i do this because i'm insane =)

this year i haven't gone out shopping except once and that just happened to coincide with grocery shopping. i purchased two gifts. whoopee!! my best shopping friend has once again become amazon.com. this morning there were two packages on my doorstep and that helped check off a number of things for us.

this year we are having to give less than i am accustomed to. we just have to rein in the expenses and we've been really stressing that its not about gifts, its about family, friends, and love. we are not religious so we don't celebrate "Christmas" for jesus. basically we're heathens who just love to give, love all things christmas-y, and santa!

just because we're having to pull back on how much we give members of our family, does not mean we're stopping with helping someone out who needs it. we donated some hats and mittens to the salvation army "tree" at our daughters school (as we have every year) and we will be "adopting" a child or two from DHS that needs help. the list in the paper is much larger than it was in previous years and we'll try to do what we can for a family or two.

what does this season mean to you?

as we are now in day 5 of the winter holiday season, crazy as it seems - the days are flying by!

not everyone celebrates christmas - some celebrate yule, hanukkah, kwanza, festivus.. so i thought it might just be better to go broadwhat does this season mean to you?

i will be following up this post with my own explanation... stay tuned!

don't call me martha

sometimes i wonder if martha stewart sleeps, eats, or does anything except make extraordinary things all day long. i really wonder how she managed to make it in jail without her vaste collection of ribbon and glue. i am in wonder of the things she makes, they all look so amazing but the time involved is generally no where near what i have to spend. i love to decorate, to make a warm, cozy home, but just don't expect martha quality!

we have begun decorating our home for the holiday season. to be honest, it can be rather boring because i've put things in the same spot for so long it takes just a pinch of time to get everything looking nice. our daughter loves the decorations and just lights up like a bulb whenever she sees me getting things out.

the picture to the right is from last year. we had begun putting the lights up and she just looked so cute there. behind her you can see "holiday inn" playing - i love that movie along with "white christmas" those are two that get played pretty often throughout december.

last night we finally finished the tree. we started this process on tuesday and just took awhile to get it all done. i guess its better that way, this year saw no fighting amongst the grown-ups, although participation by one could have been better. he thinks hanging his few spiderman ornaments is all he needs to do, but i ended up getting him to help with the bows at the end so i guess he did good!

each ornament is special for the most part with the exception of the generic ball ornaments. they are ornaments purchased for me by my mother over the years or by husband-guy. my mom always gets us an ornament, its been tradition since i don't know when. i started that tradition in our home and hope that we can keep it going for years to come. the neat thing is a lot of my ornaments i'm passing down to the kid, the ones that say "daughter" especially. she loves hearing the stories of certain ornaments (if i happen to remember them or if there is a date on the box, that helps!) and loves seeing the ornaments she has fond memories of as well. she is very particular about checking out each one, seeing all the things it can do (if its mobile at all, lights up, plays music, etc..).

my favorite ornament has to be the snoopy & schroeder ornament that my husband got for me two years ago. snoopy dances while schroeder plays the piano. its the regular charlie brown music and its just fun. i think the kid pushed the button on that one about 10 times last night!

this year our house just feels even more festive. i don't know what it is but i am so happy when i'm home. happy when the tree lights are on, happy when i have a christmas movie playing, just happy. even though the wallet is tight this year and i won't be able to give as many presents as i would like to all those i love, just knowing how blessed we are in our family makes this season even more wonderful!

mommy, i don't feel good

these five words are words you do not wish to hear from your child. ever. we often hear them and try to do what we can to soothe the body and soul of our dearest little ones. its part of the job we have as parents, to heal our kids.

i hate to hear the words for the biggest reason being, she's hardly ever sick. when she is sick its generally full blown illness - flu, strep throat, stomach flu. i do whatever i can to make her better but no amount of pedialyte, chicken soup, or movies on telly will change the look on her beautiful face when she says those 5 awful words.

when the kid is sick, she gets this sad, droopy face. she speaks at a mouse-like volume, and is very clingy. sometimes so much that i end up getting sick because she wants to be so close. that's okay, that's generally what happens to parents when they tend to their kids. i don't like it when she's sick because i know that no matter what i do, i can't totally make her better. i can soothe, i can comfort, i can wrap her up and love her til dawn, but i don't have super powers to make it all go away.

that being said, i do have super strength. even when she is at her worst, throwing up, i'm holding her hair back and rubbing her back, i am at my strongest. i have to be. i can't fall apart when she needs me the most. so i clean up the vomit, i change the clothes, i wipe off the face, ring out the washcloth, find more pedialyte, carry her wherever she needs, cradle her when she crawls into my lap, and do whatever it is she needs.

i may not wear a cape and fancy shirt across my chest, but i am pretty super when it comes to being strong for her. same goes for my husband - the biggest baby on the planet when he is sick.

its amazing how those five words, "mommy, i don't feel good" can make you spin around and suddenly you are wearing that imaginary cape and costume, ready to seize whatever opportunity you can to make the kid feel better.

regularly scheduled

since the holiday things have picked up at work and i'm swamped. i hope to have something to post later this week (for the two people reading!). i'm looking forward to putting up our holiday decorations, drinking hot chocolate, and watching my fave holiday movies, "white christmas" and "holiday inn".. so after that i promise a post!! until then, enjoy an old family picture!